Who I've always been..

It's 2:30 in the morning one week before I'm supposed to walk down the aisle and change my life forever. Not just my life, Luke's, my family's lives, his family's lives, our friends' lives. And I'm starting to freak out. A smidge. Ok, a giant smidge. A huge pit in my stomach. But this is normal right? Everyone feels this way, right? That's what women have told me. But Luke? He's great! Not a care in the world. Which should make me feel great, the fact that my love has no doubts whatsoever about our new life changes. But instead I feel even worse because if he's so sure of this, why am I having these doubts? I feel guilty almost for worrying, which in turn makes me feel worse. I can't wait to be married, but what if I'm horrible at it? What if it's not like we think it will be and one day he changes his mind? Or what if I do? I knew from the moment I met Luke that he was going to be the one to change my life, but am I ready to let go of who I've always been? I've been Kendle Sisk for 23 years and I think she's pretty awesome, but in one week I will be Kendle Starcher and who is she? I guess in ways I'm nothing like the girl who scrambled to leave this town in the dust 5 years ago, but I'm also still a lot like her. I still feel more lost than I do found most of the time. I still have no idea what I'm heading towards, what my end goal will be. The girl that left was reckless, fearless, scared, tired, frustrated, rebellious, broken, lost, and looking to never return. I was running headlong into the wind and I was free. Now all I do is try and please everyone, try to cooperate and say all the right things and do all the right things. In Greenville I had my friends, my job, my home, my life. Now, I just have Luke. As exciting as that should be, I've never not had a backup plan or had my own thing going on and all I feel is terrified. I know once the wedding is over and we can settle into a routine, I'll be fine. I'll have a house to work on, recipes to learn, and a new life to begin. It's just all of this wedding stress from my loony bin family that is making me feel like I'm drowning. At the end of the day, I love Luke and I know that's all that matters. I just have to get this wedding over with.

No one ever tells you that growing up is as hard as it is.

Well G-Vegas, it's been real.

I've done it.

I've officially left Greenville for good and am back home in my parent's house in Alexis. 

My months of complaining and worrying are over. (Aren't you glad?!?) Now it's on to new worries and adventures. I moved to Greenville on my terms, I lived my life in Greenville on my terms, and today I left it on my terms. I was feeling really brave all day. Even with Ashley coming to see me off and me realizing we are no longer going to be just a text away from each other, and even when I dropped off my keys and hit the highway with my mom going on about all of our wedding projects we can work on, and even when my grandparents came by the house this evening and were asking what I'm going to do now. I was feeling brave all the way up to just a bit ago, when my dad told me to do whatever makes me happy. Suddenly I wasn't brave anymore. My reality came crashing in and I couldn't find an answer as to what makes me happy. The only thing I could come up with was that I'm my happiest when I'm on my own terms. When I don't have someone hovering over me managing my day for me. When I wake up with a game plan for the day that is all my own. When I can do what I love without having to answer to someone or have them tell me it's not good enough. I interviewed with Cato a few weeks back to work in their corporate office here in Charlotte and while I was in love with walking down a hall lined with samples after samples of new fashions, I couldn't shake the slight dread that filled me as I looked in and saw all of those people working in their tiny cubicles. I found out this past week that I didn't get the job even though I was more than qualified for it. Part of me was disappointed because I don't like to be beat, but an even bigger part of me was relieved. Not many people get a chance to take a moment and figure out what it is they really want to do. Most people fall into a job, get so busy with the job and doing everything "right", and don't realize that they hate their job until 30 years later when it's too late to do anything about it.  I don't want that. My dad and I did some soul searching earlier and we came up with a few really good ideas. It's going to be hard, and take a lot of guts, but I can do this. I can make my way through this world on my own terms. 


Oh, and of course  with my husband in tow. Err future husband. Errr forever boyfriend. Yea, forever boyfriend. The word husband makes me feel way old. =]